I was always needing someone to take away the pain and save my lonely self. - Ese Walter

 Rememeber Ese Walter of COZA!!!! .She blogs as Femina Speaks she recently shared her journey into self discovery and  marriage.

 

Read below:
When I agreed to marry him two and a half years ago, I didn’t love him. Heck I didn’t love my own self. I just needed a change of story. I needed to stop being the girl everyone called an evil mistress and “graduate” to somebody’s Mrs. I thought the Mrs title was going to save my ass and bring me some sort of redemption. I was wrong.
Calling what happened next a disaster is putting it mildly. Weeks into living together brought out the worse in both of us. I thought I made a mistake. I didn’t trust him so why was I married to him. We would argue over everything and I convinced myself I wanted out despite the baby on the way. In therapy I was able to face my own demons for the first time. I realised it was never about him or the other guys I dated. I was always looking for a fix outside of myself. I was always needing someone to take away the pain and save my lonely self. I was looking for what I wasn’t because I thought that could heal me.
Months of living outside my comfort zone and going where the pain was brought me face to face with my demons that saved me. I didn’t trust him because I didn’t trust me. I couldn’t love him because I had no love to give. I was always blaming him because it was easier to project than take responsibility. As I started to evolve and see my own self, I was able to see him for the first time. As I started loving myself, I was able to love him and now as I learn to trust myself, I am trusting him, one day at a time. As I lay beside him last night I remembered a quote I read some time ago. I don’t remember who said it but it read, “when you love the one you got, the one you got becomes the one you love.” When I stopped trying to change him and let him be, I was able to give room for his own evolving. He ain’t perfect. Who wants perfect anyway? I am learning that all is as it should be in the Universe, there are no mistakes only feedback. The Universe brought the one I needed for my evolving and I am thankful. GRATITUDE is my dominant feeling this morning. If you are struggling with the one you love, know that the world’s standard of love is f*cked up. Vibrate higher and love because of love.