She wrote;
...”If you escaped what I escaped, you’d be in Paris gettin’ fucked up too.”
What I’ve been through in the last 30 hours has proven a suspicion I’ve had for a long time: I Fear Nothing. Absolutely Nothing Scares Me. - That’s cerebrally scary in a way I need to sit with myself and investigate.
In the middle of ‘Crazy’ I cannot fully get into right now, I was being screamed at by a 6ft 5 inch, roughly 130 kg man, spittle was flying from his mouth, veins were popping in his neck, he was in a Fury... if I were any less, he would have smashed his fist in my face - I sensed it- Yet; I stepped right into him, got so close any closer our noses would touch, looked him dead in the eye and said with the calmest, iciest voice I’ve ever heard slip from my own throat “Ey, stop fucking spitting in my face, and... Yell at me one more fucking time Maniga. Please.” ... and I felt my face twist up into a smile.... Something flickered in his eyes and he took a step back.
I understand fear, I’ve felt it, seen it and last night I saw it crystallize in the eyes of a stranger who easily outweighed me.
I don’t remember half of that showdown but I do remember almost salivating at the fear and uncertainty in that man’s eyes. I had to rein it in, I didn’t like that I enjoyed it... but I understand WHY. -
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For a little girl who was scared of her own shadow, who was a victim of fear manipulation most of her young life.. has forced me to come a long way. At this point, nobody intimidates me. Not even with a gun, unless he chooses to pull the trigger then that’s on him. Still doesn’t scare me.
Just because I’ve never posted about my encounters with SARS doesn’t mean I haven’t encountered em (got into a fist fight with one a few years ago and grabbed his gun... he started laughing and it threw me off - said he wasn’t gonna get accidentally shot to death by an actress.
I keep learning everyday that strength is not just physical.
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