Sonia Irabor: Here’s The Thing – On The Value Of Selfishness… In Finding #Love @GenevieveMag

When it comes to matters of the heart, I have been accused of being selfish. I admit that perhaps I have been rather pedantic in certain cases but I feel no form of remorse for having not followed through with a relationship knowing damn well that the idea of forever (or even just a prolonged period of time) with that person gave me nothing but migraines and heart palpitations. Even Disney princesses – so flimsy with their ideas of love – would think twice before stepping into the carriage with a man who didn’t at least give them peace of mind. If that’s selfish then yes I’m guilty and I’m all for it.
I’m not holding out for some kind of Prince Charming or whatever the media’s equivalence of that might be. No. I am not without faults and I’m sure some have crossed me off their lists of prospective mates because I gave them anxiety at the mere thought of committing to my wahala (even though they were polite enough not to say). But I’m also not going to settle for the first person that shows a glimmer of interest in me. This is not about having impossibly high standards, no. I’m not saying that the man has to be above 6”1; or have a specific job or complexion, or be part of a specific earning bracket. Not at all. All I’m saying is that I will be selfish and wait for the person that feels the best for me. In the midst of all the specificities and material things that people search for they miss out on the person that’s right for them. Being selfish means that I am not blinded by the shiny reflection from an expensive watch when the wearer is a complete scumbag. It also means that I am willing to work on myself and be as good a person to him as I want him to be to me.
What this means to me is that I value myself enough to know that I can function on my own but I would like to share my highs and my lows with the right person.  It means that while I am happy to spend time with myself I’d also like to spend time with my ‘other’. It means that I would like to be happy and be in love and if over time that passionate love fades, which it does, as passion tends to; that I still like the person I am with and would still wish to spend my time with him. It’s the patience to know that – as I’m known to say over and over – this is not a race to the finish it is a slow and steady journey and as such the desire is not to find the best fitting suit, the shiniest car or the most popular, but to find the most understanding, most patient, most loving person for me.
I should probably stop referring to this as a form of selfishness because it truly isn’t. It is the makings of a realistic individual who knows and values her worth. We are far from perfect beings and so perfection is not what we should be after. What I am talking about here is peace. A peace that prevails, even in the most trying of times, of which there will be several, because that’s just the way life is. It is the comfort of knowing that when those challenging moments present themselves, you are grateful to be going through them with this person. It’s the joy of knowing that you are sharing your triumphs with this person.
I look at my parents and perhaps this is why I am strict about this. They are the best of friends. It’s been 30+ years and they still talk  to each other, listen to each other, love each other and like each other; they share jokes with each other. There have been challenging moments and they have pushed through incredibly, because they went through such moments together. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for in a significant other.
If that makes me selfish; then I guess that’s what I am.